The Baldness Hall of Handsome

The man whose awesomeness knows no bounds.

#1: My Husband.

I realize he isn’t bald in this picture, but he won’t let me photograph him anymore. Nevertheless, Jared is, to me, the hottest man in all existence. He’s the only one I’ll ever want to sleep with. If I could be in a room with him, or with every other guy on the list, rest assured, I would pick him.

And not just because I’m attracted to him, but because he’s the best man I ever believe I’ll find. I love this guy.

 

#2-13: Everyone Else.

Go for the sweet spot!

Vin Diesel.

It may just be that I have a crush on Riddick, but I believe Diesel’s acting skills are tragically underrated, and mostly due to the fact that he isn’t in many decent movies. When there’s actually a call for acting (like in the finale of The Chronicles of Riddick, cough) he does a lovely job. And in the case of Diesel, I think he’s actually more attractive without hair.

 

 

 

Ed Harris = love.

Ed Harris: the facial structure of a Batman. Compare how he looks in The Abyss to his appearance in movies like Beautiful Mind and Enemy at the Gates. The man has actually grown more attractive with increasing age and baldness.  There are few who can make that claim. Go you, Ed.

 

 

 

 

 

Korben Dallas is balding. Is there a PROBLEM?!

 Bruce Willis.

Look at that smug jerk. It seems as if this guy’s been bald for as long as he’s been an actor and is he ashamed? Well, maybe he is, because recently he just decided to shave his entire cranium. Men, if you’re feeling insecure about your inability to keep your hair, perhaps you too should consider losing it on purpose so as to feel in control. Whatever you gotta do to stay secure, I guess.

 

 

Let's not be angsty.

 

Hellboy.

I believe we can always learn lessons from fictional characters. If you feel you need to compensate for your baldness, perhaps you should grow some horns.

 

 

 

Bald men, also, are saved by grace.

Joseph Fiennes: Not Bald. But he did have a monk-cut briefly in Luther, and I did not mind, I did not mind at all no. If he does go bald someday, I will still lovingly gaze upon him. Sigh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Engage.

Patrick Stewart.

I heard somewhere, and am too lazy to verify, that Patrick Stewart started balding when he was sixteen. Poor kid. In any case, he looks pretty nice, nice enough to land the lead as Captain Picard in many a Star Trek adventure. You have to admit, Stewart makes bald look pretty good. Now that brief period when he had a mustache, that’s… something else entirely.

 

 

That is NOT linear!

Avery Brooks.

Oh, and speaking of Star Trek, there’s this gorgeous hunk of man. I mean honestly, who cares if he’s bald? Who? I’m going to run the risk of being called racist and say that if you’re a black dude, you could wax your head from the age of three and no one would even wonder about it. And if you’re Avery Brooks, you’ve also got a resonating speaking voice, lovely singing voice, and acting skills that are way, way too good to ever have been on Deep Space Nine. Anyway, it’s perfectly acceptable for a black man to not have hair. I know it’s not fair, but neither is life. Suck it up, white guys.

 

 

 

Sean Connery: Old, but Still Admired: The Movie

Sean Connery.

I watched this bad movie called First Knight, in which Sean Connery played an old King Arthur, whose wife cheated on him with Richard Gere. And Connery was STILL making out with her. Like, furiously. The lesson we can learn from this: Once you play James Bond, you are type-cast forever, even when you’re eighty.

 

 

 

 

 

Insert medical joke here?

Anthony Edwards.

I’m not a huge fan of ER (that’s the show he’s from, right?) and this isn’t the greatest picture, but that dude’s pretty cute. And he brings great personality into the one role I saw him in. I believe it was his guest appearance in a flashback episode on a show he used to be on all the time.

 

 

 

"NO bonds can hold me!!!"

Hector Elizondro.

And in my second Batman reference of the day, here we have the voice of Bane! Obviously this list is not in any particular order, or I’d have this guy much higher. I don’t know why I haven’t seen him in more things besides the Ditzface Diaries, but when all else fails, he’s a great voice actor. Even if neither BTAS nor TNBA had many Bane episodes that were worth watching, Elizondro himself did a great job.

 

 

 

Look at the man. LOOK AT HIM!!!

Steven Spielberg.

This man is one of my heroes. Seriously, can he do any wrong? (Still blaming George Lucas for Indiana Jones 4, lalalalala!)

 

 

 

 

 

Everybody! Everybody!

 

Homestar Runner.

I… I can’t really explain this one. Just… he’s bald. And adorable. There.

 

 

 

 

The moral of this story is, lots of men go bald. Heck, lots of women go bald. In a hundred years, no one’s going to remember. Just do something with your life. If you love others, they won’t have any reason not to love you. And your naked noggin.